


Lost soul.

by goatfacestrontium



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: My First Work in This Fandom, a little bit of skeledad but not too much, mostly his sad ramblings. but i wont spoil ;3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-03
Updated: 2016-07-06
Packaged: 2018-07-19 22:17:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 8,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7379620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goatfacestrontium/pseuds/goatfacestrontium
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Basically about Gaster's time in  the void?<br/>maybe?<br/>perhaps you'll read it and tell me~</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hey! my first fanfic I've ever posted, and my first about gaster :)  
> please don't be mean to me..but i'd appreciate it if you'd tell me what you think~  
> finally decided to bite the bullet and share stuff.  
> sorry if everything is bad this is so confusing to use!  
> here, the first bit, while i work out how to format. eh. ;;

The work is going slowly. Despite having Doctor Alphys' valuable insight, the machine is far from complete. We had hoped to unveil it to Asgore before the year's end, but that does not seem like a plausible outcome.

The aim is to remove monsterkind from this path, where we've been trapped, to the surface of a different... timeline. The term is clumsy, but the only way of describing the mechanics of this operation.

"Doctor?"

"Yes, Alphys?"

She's fiddling with a few of the switches, and the box whirs into life. The lights in the house go out for a moment then adjust themselves.

"We. Uh. We're almost ready for a test subject."

"Do we have any volunteers?"

She fiddles with her coat sleeve. "Well.. No."

"I see."

The light in the hatch is flickering between red and green, with seemingly no pattern. The red lights last longer, but that could be for a wide variety of reasons. It could be that there is more chance for a red world to become available, so it seems as if it's taking longer.

They're supposed to be a visual representation of the route the subject would be placed in. Alphys sorted this feature out, so I'm not entirely sure how to make it lock onto one timeline.

I stand up and crack my knuckles. Alphys looks at me expectantly. "How about we eat before the first test," I suggest. Her face brightens. Lunch means cups of instant noodles in front of an episode of Mew Mew Kissy Cutie. It's ideal for the pair of us.

She sits heavily and begins frantically typing.

"I'm going to check on something. I'll be back soon."

The lizard nods with a mouthful of ramen. Her eyes are fixed to the screen.

 

The halls are eerie with the sounds of dripping water from leaking pipes and my footsteps. A low, long howl echoes around me, a plea for mercy from one of Alphys' failed experiments. Stone slabs under my feet are slick with a slimy residue.

Turning the corner, the rows of cells come into view. Indeed, the concept of these amalgamates is very interesting, but the results are far to disturbing to actually interact with. It's also dangerous to approach them, in case the excess determination degrades our own matter.

As if I needed another excuse to avoid the abominations.

I swallow and quicken my pace. My destination is in sight.

I hastily fumble with the multiple door locks at the end, painfully aware of the dozens of warped eyes staring at my back.

"Ahh." I let out my pent up breath and lean back against the door. When I open my eyes, Test Subject 1, Sans, is peering at me from a few feet away. He's clutching a stuffed bear. Subject 2, Papyrus, although taller and stronger, is cowering behind his sibling.

"gah."

I'm not sure of the reasons that compelled me to check on my sons before the final test, but there's no point in turning back now.

"How are you?" I crouch and they both hug my arms.

I hadn't intended to grow attached to them, but the moment after Sans was created, and his tiny face lit up at the sight of me, I felt a primitive urge to care for him. It's a startlingly unscientific concept, but unavoidable. Papyrus was supposed to make up for it as a real subject, but once again I was wrapped up in the child's endearing behaviour.

I sit and smile. The stresses of my work melt away. There are no deadlines in a playroom.

"What have you been doing while I've been gone?"

Sans utters something to Papyrus and they scurry away to gather some papers.

The only setback in their development is speech. They're much smarter, as intended, for their age, but of course not everything can come so naturally. That doesn't matter. None of that matters. The strength of my affection towards them outweighs any deformities. I've never truly cared for something this much.

Papyrus beams and presents a picture to me.

I adjust my glasses and inspect it.

Blue, orange and yellow skeletons are stood together. They resemble our own height differences. Curiously, his perception is based purely around whatever colour magic we posses.

"This is very good, Pappy!"

He laughs and puffs his chest out. Sans grins.

"I think it deserves to go on the wall!"

They both jump up and point.

Bright pictures drawn by the boys cover the back wall above their beds. The other walls have various patterns that I decided would be soothing; blue with green spots, pink stripes on yellow.

Papyrus points excitedly at a particular spot and I follow his wishes. Our picture is nestled between Sans' drawing of Waterfall and a page from a colouring book.

Speaking of waterfall, we haven't been on an outing for a long while. I shall definitely visit soon. It isn't good for verbal or spatial development to keep the boys shut up like this.

I glance over at the picnic bench and tidy the remains of their breakfast, picking crumbs out of the pastel purple carpet.

Papyrus leaps towards the mess and immediately begins helping. "Thank you, Pappy."

He smiles. Sans looks over his shoulder from where he lay curled on a beanbag and shrugs dismissively. His attitude is undesirable and if he doesn't improve then I shall have to correct it.

Somebody tugs at my coat. Papyrus glances up at me and wriggles underneath.

"I hate to ruin your fun, Pappy, but.." I pick the squirming child up and he grins, reaching for my sleeve. "No. This isn't a toy."

His face falls when I prise his fingers from the cuffs.

At first it was a whimper.. now Papyrus is bawling.

I've never seen him cry..what do I do?

Some instinct tells me to put him over my shoulder, so I do.

Sans leaps to his feet, growling, and lunges at my foot.

"He's okay!"

He seems to check this with his brother, and stops his attack. Sans has always protected those in need; even me, when I burned my hand on the stove.

I don't want to leave, but Alphys doesn't know of my creations. I squeeze them very tight and stand. As I turn to the exit, Sans shoots out his hand and ensnares my wrist in his tiny fingers.

"What's wrong?"

He glances at his brother and they both smile.

Tendrils of magic twist together from their glowing sockets, blending and shimmering as it pools at the ceiling and dissipates in calm swirls. The properties are much like glittering smoke, and I'm rendered speechless before the sight.

This is the first time they've conjured anything willingly.

Joy pricks behind my eyes, and I swallow around a lump. I crouch and beam. "My sons, I'm so very proud of you." Those words seem like a grand understatement. I look them both in the eye and kiss their foreheads, choked on a rising adoration.

"I'll be back soon. Be good. I love you."

They wave and Sans mimics a few of the syllables. "good. lu..luvv!"

Emotion swells within me, and I close the door.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> howdy. :3  
> im prolly gonna stuff things here in little chunks for (my) convenience.  
> i hope you aren't too repulsed by it.   
> i still havent gotten used to the whole "making-it-look-right" thing.  
> ufufu ;;

"You missed it!" Alphys claps her hands together.  
"Ah, sorry. Can you fill me in?"  
Alphys bites her lip, as if the information might just spill unwillingly. "I could, but so much happened! Sayaka and Momo both tried to kiss Suzuyo so..."  
I zone out a little. I should have got one of my boys to test the transportation device. I can't ask that of Alphys; the poor woman would be dead before she set foot in the shed.  
I feel myself frowning.  
"I know! I couldn't believe it either! He's such a baka!"  
I make the appropriate noises somehow and continue my thoughts.  
Besides, Doctor Alphys will need to operate the machine since I'm not familiarized with the interface. All I designed was the insides. Making things pretty and simple isn't my speciality.  
"Doctor? Are you okay?"  
I lift my gaze. I must have been staring at my feet in thought. It's a bad habit that ought to be shaken.  
"Oh, yes. Sorry. What were you saying, Alphys?"  
"Just wondering if you wanted to find a subject for. Uhm. The machine."  
I clasp my hands together.  
"No need. I'll happily bite the bullet."  
She blinks, dumbstruck. Wiping her glasses and furrowing her brow, she speaks. "Are you sure? It c-could still be risky."  
"What good is it to be confident in your work but refuse to test it? Once the first trial is complete, then other Monsters will follow."  
Alphys looks a little more settled. "T-Thats true."  
We both take the river person's boat back to our temporary base in Snowdin and walk around the back of the abandoned house.  
Alphys wrings her hands, gazing mournfully at the silvery box.  
"I'm not sure a-about this."  
"What were these years for if you give in to fear?"  
She looks grim.  
I put a hand on her shoulder and Alphys visibly tenses. "I-I can't not worry like you. I feel l-like something's going to go wrong." Her eyes are wet. She wipes her glasses.  
"Alphys. Not everything works out perfectly the first time. Look how much work you've done! If something goes wrong, we'll fix it. I promise."  
She looks up at me, lost. "We can't f-fix those..f-fallen.."  
"No, that's true. But we're working on that, aren't we?" I try to speak kindly, to reassure myself as much as her. It appears to work.  
Alphys nods slowly.  
"And you know, I'm scared too." I smile shakily. Now that I've admitted it, it's more difficult to control.  
"Really?"  
"I'm not actually soulless, Alphys!" I chuckle nervously.  
"I-I know, it's just that, um, you-"  
I give a final, decisive pat on her shoulder and step toward the hatch. "Now or never, Doctor Alphys."  
She nods and smiles too. Reading the agreed procedure in the most formal voice possible, she recites it to me.  
"Transport subject to a green branch.  
Subject is to remain still and only observe.  
In three minutes of this timeline they will be brought back to debrief."  
"Correct. Would you do the honours?"  
She grabs a hefty lever. "Good luck, Doctor Gaster!"  
I give a mock salute.

It's... dark. Somewhere hurts, but I can't pin it down. My right eye doesn't seem to want to open. I stretch my arm-  
Where are my arms?!  
My hands are just.. existing, disconnected from my body.  
What's happened to me? I realize with horror that my lab coat has fused around my legs and feet. I have no way of standing.  
A faint spell washes over me. My soul's throbbing with a peculiar fluttering.  
I feel light, and without substance.  
My fingertips are fading.  
Am I dying? Is this already death?  
I close my eye. It looks no different than when it was open.  
Memories bubble to the surface of my skull, things I haven't thought about in years..  
My other lab partners.  
The first steps venturing out of Home.  
Sunrises and sunsets.  
My mind feels foggy and disjointed. When I reach for a memory it evades my mental grasp and I forget what I was searching for..  
I let the cold seep into my skull and fill the empty space. There's no rational reason to prolong this discomfort..  
But..that's selfish.  
My boys.  
I can't give up.  
They need me.  
They'll die without me.  
I can't.. I won't...  
A paternal burning lights my insides and my soul holds together somehow.  
Papyrus. Sans. Me. Family.  
Then darkness.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello again..  
> nope. wingdings will not work..  
> *if someone knows how please tell me!*  
> until that time, please read anything with a line through as wingdings ;;  
> sorry!

I see my digits gradually reappear without any sensation. I blink, and my right eye still refuses to open. My vision is fuzzy without my glasses.

Wait.

I'm still alive. The only thing keeping me that way is my own Determination.

I must not falter.

I'll find a way out of.. Here.

Where is "Here", anyway?

It's certainly not at all similar to my theories. Something must have malfunctioned.

I pat the ground around me to find my spectacles, but I don't feel anything, as if touching solid air.

Air isn't a solid, however, and this surface is supporting me. Is it without friction?

An attempt to shuffle forward backfires as the conjoined limbs cry out in pain. I hold back an undignified shout. My spine clicks under the pressure of forcing myself to remain still.

Further inspection reveals that my legs are completely gone from the shin down, left as rough ends and stuck together at the knee.

My black coat is wrapped around and fused to the bones, restricting their mobility completely. I prod the stubs and dry heave.. churning agony clouds my senses.

No, no. Breathe. Think clearly.

At least this proves there is friction in this place. Otherwise I'd still be moving.

At least some laws are familiar. Well, they might not be familiar, but in order to gain an understanding of this place I'll apply existing knowledge to it.

I can't..

I can't think clearly..

My coat begins fading.

I wait for my tremors to cease.

The only way to handle this is to think scientifically.

If my matter has become warped, why? If I no longer have legs and arms, there must be a logical reason behind it.

Perhaps this place cannot sustain all of my components.

Where else pains me?

I focus my mind on everything but the pain in my lower body, and the dull ache where my shoulders should be.

Instinctively, my floating hands grope my skull.

A deep ridge runs into my right eye socket, branching off across the back of my head. Tenderly, I run a finger along it to determine the severity.

It would definitely impair the vision. This explains why I can't seem to open it, anyway.

My left has some damage, but only a minor crack below it, fortunately.

No, not fortunately. "Fortune" suggests luck. This is all following laws.

Thankfully is a more appropriate phrase.

I must be careful not to taint my observations with anything subjective. The key to escaping is factual, rational thinking.

Gradually, I see myself become whole again.

Still, the disability should only be a minor setback. There's not much to see here.

I don't recall falling, but if I did the injuries could be a result of that. Of course, my not remembering could also be a symptom of concussion cased by the fall in question.

This line of thinking will only take me in circles so I hastily abandon it.

I'll set my mind to more important matters before it becomes muffled again.

Thinking of the children who need me will give me the Determination to sustain myself.

 

"No! W-what's happened?!"

My hands are shaking, and the buttons aren't responding and there's the emergency siren screeching at me as if I don't know there's an emergency-

The sound stops suddenly, but the after-image of the noise echoes in my head.

I should have known. I should never have gone through with this, not after last time..

I flip the switches and something panic writhes in my stomach.

Nothing.

That stupid nothing won't bring him back.

Wherever he is, he's stuck.

The lights in the hatch flickered between red and green, then the power died while I was sending him.

I hope he's safe.

Theoretically, he could be gone for good, but.. I don't want to think about that.

 

-And even something so overlooked as a clock would be infinitely valuable in a place like this.

It's impossible to tell how long it's been. Alphys promised to bring me back..but I can't remember when.

I hypothesise that the functions of time in this world are different to those from the world from which I came.

I just hope Alphys' promise comes soon.

Wishing is a doubtful way of achieving goals, but I've found myself resorting to immature ideas. There's a desperately low chance that it will actually work, but in a realm of seemingly infinite possibilities, it may just come to fruition.

Once I do escape here, It will be interesting to observe how my matter changes.

Will I remain in this distorted state, or return to my previous form?

For now I just need to be patient.

It hasn't been long, perhaps only a few hours. My boys will be fine. Alphys should be anxiously waiting to bring me back.

Displeasingly, there truly isn't anything going on in this route. I shall have to conduct a few tests to report.

What would be a g...

My head...

I think I'm going to faint..

No, no, stay awake. What's caused this change?

It's so..sudden. The darkness tips to one side and my body falls back. The back of my skull hits the ground, and an array of golden light swims across my field of vision. It aggravates the wounds. I hiss through my teeth.

Being dizzy is bad enough, but without any outside input to right myself,

it's hard to..

ha..

       ~~ng on..~~


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a really little chunk, because the next bit has to be separate.. ;; sorry~  
> aah it keeps putting huge gaps between things grr  
> hm.. i hope the difference is clear between skeledad and alphys. ;;
> 
> by the way, im gonna assume that kudos are good. ('cause it makes me feel better eheh)  
> thank you for looking. ^^

Twenty days. Four hundred and eighty hours. He's been stuck for that long.

I can't do anything about it, but that doesn't stop the failure from haunting me.

I've been hiding in our lab in Hotland. When the king calls, I let it go to answer phone. I can't bear to face him again.

The first time things went wrong, Asgore was supportive, and kept me informed of changes in the subjects' families. He gave me a mug.

Oh god, he's going to be angry when he sees that I've messed up again.. I'll lose my position as a Royal Scientist and have to live elsewhere.

I'll be homeless and even more alone.

I greet the Dog amalgamate through the bars and it wags its tail. Globs of flesh fly away and hit the wall. "H-hey there. I.. Um. Brought F-F..Food. "

I unlock the door and it bounds towards me, flecking a sticky liquid over my face. I scratch its chin. Or at least, where the chin should be in proportion to the gaping hole of a mouth.

"G-Good dog."

It licks my head and steps away, giving me room to pour the dog food into a barrel.

Despite not having eyes, it notices my change in mood, and calmly sits beside. While it nuzzles my head, I wipe my glasses and sigh. "I-I'm. I'm alright. You're okay, r-right?"

It barks positively and I let out a shaky laugh. "You're a good..dog."

Every time it hears those words its mood instantly picks up, and I leave it alone to guzzle the contents of the barrel in peace.

I hope Doctor W.D is as forgiving.

 

A broken, frail whimper pierces the silence.

With a start, I realize that it's emerging from my battered body.

My sight slowly returns, groggy and shaky. All I can see from my back is the curve of my chin.

Taking caution, I sit up slowly, in time to catch my hands reappearing.

I feel queasy.

Then the pain I'd managed to block out returns.

My breath catches.

What is it Alphys said? Focused breathing.

I release it and count to five. I breathe in.

Not much better on the unrelenting agony front, but I feel in control.

I _am_ in control.

My mind slowly settles and I regain my composure.

What is it that caused me to fall unconscious?

I was thinking about escaping. Nothing conspicuous there.

Unless it was my lapse in concentration that caused me to falter, then there's no explanation.

Any explanation is much more preferable to none.

Should Alphys have brought me back by now?

There's nothing to interact with in this space aside from myself.

Speaking of which, there is one aspect that I have forgotten to check.

I clench my fists and look at a fixed spot.

I prepare a magical attack, but before I can release it, a spiralling jet of yellowish light spills from my working eye socket. Curious.

I try again. Just as previously, the magic pooling in my skull is unable to be contained.

I summon a Gaster Blaster, as Alphys called it, and it spews a blinding light from its jaws- I duck and hastily click my fingers.

The prototype fizzles out of existence. My theory is correct. I do not have full control over my magic.

A plus to this form is the extended range of my hands. It's as if it's granted me what I most wanted in my world at the price of my legs.

On rare occasions, I'll get an itch where my wrists would be, and absent-mindedly reach to scratch it.. The irritation is minimal compared to my other ailments.

I wonder if that's a punishment for my selfish experiments? No, that's a ridiculous thought. It's impossible for anything in this empty place to know of me.

Empty?

I let some magic out to shed some light on my situation.. The blackness seems to absorb it.

It's probable that there will be a natural light source somewhere.. but to get to it, I'll have to..

I take a breath to steady my swimming head.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eeh congratulations in getting this far (if you didnt skip ahead) and not projectile vomiting~
> 
> as always, wingdings instead is just normal text with a line through because im an idiot and dont really care.  
> (i say that but i actually do)  
> ^^;;

I'm not hungry. I'll have to face up to the letters and unanswered phone calls soon.

Leaving it will only make the guilt eating my appetite worse, but I _can't_.

I go for a walk inside. Outside is too risky. Not many people knew Gaster, so he could disappear from society as he pleased. Me, I'm stuck with people. Which is pretty bad anyway, since I'm so useless at conversation. Or.. people in general.

I've been walking around the underground lab for days now, tending the miserable creatures that I can't release back to their families.

My footsteps make me jumpy; like they're listening, like someone else is here too.

I reach the end of the corridor, at Gaster's private study. There's no use me trying to get in. I don't really want to, anyway.

I swivel on my heel.

A faint, low bawl echoes in my head.

No, no.. who's upset now?

I run back, peering into the countless rooms full of amalgamated creatures. They all seem satisfied (as much as something like that can be).

"H-Hey? Who..Um, who's c-crying?"

No response. My stomach churns. Am I going mad? Is the worry turning me mad?

Maybe the contact with the determination is degrading my mind?

Another cry, loud and shaky, breaks through.

I've been up and down this place three times now! Who's crying?

There's only.. only one place.

My hand hesitates over the door handle. I tug it. It's locked. When I press an ear to the wood, the sobbing becomes louder. How did an amalgamate get in there?

I need to get in!

The least I can do is keep it happy after doing this to it..

A strange strength grips me, and with a shout I throw myself at full power at the hinges.

I break through with a crash, and fall on top of the door. My wrist twists underneath me.

"Ow.."

I frown and look up. A white clump with four eyes is hunched in the corner of the room. I've never seen this one before.

I grab my glasses.

It's..

It's two creatures. Two.. skeletons?

They're cowering as far away from me as possible. The lights in their eyes are similar to the Doctor's, but tiny, fearful. It's hard to tell, them being skeletal, but there's obvious symptoms of malnutrition in their bone structure.

"H-hey, I won't hurt you."

By the looks of them, they look like children. I assume the tallest is the eldest.

I scoot over on my hands and knees so I don't scare them. Talking to the tallest, I attempt a smile. The look on his face tells me it came out wrong.

"A-are you o-okay? Um..How l-long have you been here..?"

He moves further back, making eye contact with me. I reach a hand out-

"Ahh! Wh-"

I look at my leg..

A bone.

Is poking through it..

A bone?!

Is it mine..?

I touch it gingerly and it fizzles away. The pain stops.

I look back at the two children. The smallest, sporting a ferocious snarl, grins slyly at me.

It's unsettling.

"O-okay." I decide to move to to other side of the room. They confer with themselves in a strange mixture of noises.

It's the voices of people who have been alone most of their lives.

 

My breath comes in ragged wheezes. My ribs rise and fall, shuddering in time with my palpitating heartbeat.

I can see myself disappearing again..

Would that even be that tragic?

I can't bear this.

I can't..

_Please, let me return.._

" ~~please, let me return.~~. _"_

My voice emerges distorted and strained. I can't even understand the words, just the meaning..

Moving is out of the question.

Maintaining this body is taking up far too much of my Determination.

I could be using that energy in trying to escape, instead of making sure I exist.

Just as this world can't support me, I can't support the me it's created.

I try and block out the pounding headache and subconsciously rub the fractures around my eyes.

What can I do to lower the resources I use..?

Or rather, the question might as well be phrased as "What can I get rid of?"

It's already startlingly apparent that I'll have to remove something in order to free up the extra Determination to remain functioning as well as existing.

The rest of my legs would be the obvious choice, but.. I really don't want to harm that any more.

If I was sure why my arms were cleanly removed and my legs not, I could work from that..

Of course, nothing is ever that simple. I groan, and it emerges as a choked howl.

There is no easy way to decide on what can be removed with minimal damage, while still making up for the Determination needed to not let the agony overcome me.

I flex my fingers.

I'm reluctant to ruin the one undamaged part of me, but progress is far more important than myself. This is one puzzle I truly desire to solve.

I conjure a Gaster Blaster and watch the direction it turns before firing.

I observe again.

Each time is between the top of my head and my cheekbone, firing away from me.

My mouth is suddenly dry. I'm not turning back.

I am stronger than that.

I hold my left hand out at a 37° angle and brace myself. It's only for a moment, I tell myself.

This is the most stable prototype yet! The most precise!

Will it be as reliable in this timeline?

I can't doubt it now! That is not the way to get things done.

Whatever happens, I don't want to witness it. Seeing something has been proven to make the pain worse.

I close my eye and wince, awaiting the blast..

That doesn't come.

I squint.

That familiar charging noise..

I can't tear my gaze away from the smouldering bone.

" ~~AAGHH! NNGH!!~~ "

The smell makes my stomach convulse. Charred dust gently falls away and makes a small pile before fading.

I inspect my work. Thankfully, a precise hole lies directly in the palm of my hand, cutting a perfect circle through the tiny bones.

Now that the damage has been done, it doesn't hurt as much.

I clench a fist. Count on my fingers.

Everything is working as it should.

The next hand is completed in half the time, without my pointless fear holding back the progress.

I clap and wince. They're still sore, and the holes refuse to make the satisfying sound. It won't resonate.

This new development should aid in my efforts to escape.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aloha~   
> more.. stuff.  
> how are you? i hope your day is going well~ :3

The two skeletons still won't speak to me even after my countless visits. I don't blame them, but..

I mean, they must understand what I'm saying, because when I say I'll bring food, the tallest licks his lips and the shorter one's eyes glint blue.

I've brought tinned spaghetti today. There's a small MTT brand stove in their playroom that I heat it up on.

"I-it's hot, be c-careful.."

They ignore my warning and delve into the pasta the moment I set it on the table. Both disregard the cutlery and napkins, covering themselves in sauce.

I feel sorry for them. If I'd known about Gaster's (I'm guessing they're his, since they're skeletons too) children, I could have helped them. The poor creatures have been locked in here for years, and I didn't even know. Have they ever seen outside?

They might not be well fed, but their room isn't the place an uncaring father would create. It has everything the brothers could ever need in his absence; reams of paper, a bathroom, a small electronic game wired to a monitor in the corner of the room, potted flowers, crayons, books..

Maybe the Doctor just didn't know how to care for them. Maybe he was so busy with our work, even before all of this, that he never got the chance to speak with them.

"Is it good?"

I point to the empty plates.

The tallest nods enthusiastically. The other shrugs and looks at his brother happily, then nods.

Recently he's let me sit on the other side of the table without attacking, which is progress. It's slow, but the weeks have been fulfilling on this at least. There's still no leads on their father.

"Do you. Uh. Do you have names?"

I've asked before with no luck.

The tallest stands and points to himself. "PAP!" He seems proud. A smile tugs at the corner of my lips. "Do y-you?"

Pap's brother glares up at me and rolls his shoulders. "san. sans."

"Pap and Sans?"

Pap nods, beaming.

They've said more to me now than in the past four months.

 

Certainties and facts are imperative to my survival.

So far, I have deduced three major things.

My magic is influenced by something which is not me.

My physical being degrades when I lose concentration on keeping it.

The holes in my hands have greatly improved my capacity for thought beyond thay of existence, now that there is less matter to support.

I've given up hope that Alphys will rescue me. In bitter truth, it was irresponsible of me to rely on someone like her. She's far too vulnerable and preoccupied to be of any great use. She gets hung up on the most trivial things; showbiz and the fame of her robot is only the tip of the iceberg.

Why Asgore insisted she be my new partner I will never understand. I remember what he said.

"You sometimes get so wrapped up in your science that you forget to do other things. She's nice and very bright, like yourself. I think you'll get along wonderfully!"

He's a fool too. He might be a king, but he'll never understand my work. I had to stop my most interesting experiments when that Lizard arrived.

No, stop blaming others. It's counterproductive.

Stop projecting your frustration onto them, I assert myself.

It won't help to get out if I keep getting pulled into one-sided, emotional quarrels.

This is proof that removing those bones has improved my Determination usage.

It's been about a week now, and I haven't slept. I keep thinking about Sans and Papyrus. I'm sure they'll be okay. I left non-perishable food in the cupboard. That will cover them until I get back.

For now I must try and focus.

Without much physical exertion, how can I move out of this timeline?

All memory of the research that led up to this is fragmented for some reason.

Timelines all run parallel to each other. There can be cross overs, where it branches off into an infinite about of possibilities at any decision, made by any creature.

One can only hop between routes at the present- it is impossible to travel back in time in a world that you haven't experienced, and impossible to jump ahead, since the route will not have reached that point yet.

So.. This must be a place where something bad happened previously?

My own theories are beginning to confuse me.

And..

The unsettling fuzziness in my skull is..

The impact of my head hitting the ground jars my whole body.

I wish.. I wish I knew what caused these random occurrences of.. of..

What was I thinking ab-

I have an idea.

If I can't physically move to another timeline..

Maybe I..

Maybe I can push my soul there..?

My thoughts aren't tangible, not physical..

Can I perhaps..

..Use the spare Determination to travel across?

I don't think It will be successful.

It's an outrageous idea.

There's an.. 84% chance of losing my body if I forget to support it..

It's worth a try.

I envision my lab in as much detail as possible. Every crack in the wall, every single empty mug must be in its correct place.

Once that's what completely fills my senses, that's when I shall attempt what could be my last experiment.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a REALLLYYY small baby chapter now~  
> it takes me ages to sort through it and check for spellings. (remind me never to do this again)  
> ..  
> gaster needs a hug.

The ceiling isn't interesting to look at but I'm not really seeing it. I'm too worried to sleep.

It's been six months and twenty four days, and I can't repair the transporter.

It should be working though!

I've done everything, checked every piece, every chip, every screw; everything is in working condition!

It's like something doesn't want the machine to be fixed, so It's stopping it.

My chest tightens at the idea and I try to bury it.

Last night I woke up already unable to breathe.

I saw Doctor W.D in my sleep, but he looked like.. like..

A lot like the amalgamates. But not quite.

Huge fractures broke into his eyes, and the one pupil was frantic, chaotic, desperate. Sleeplessness tortured the lines on his face.

When he spoke..

A garbled screech so.. _absolute_ with its torment woke me up, finally. It was like it was trying to cram all of its knowledge into a tiny space.

I don't want to see it again.

There's no way it was the real Doctor, but..

I can't accept that he's dead.

Not after everything else.

I at least want to recover his dust. I can't leave him trapped in some horrible foreign world.

 

It was successful!

I managed to view the lab in what I assume was night; Doctor Alphys was sleeping over a pile of papers.

Mettaton draped a ragged pink blanket over her shoulders and quietly rehearsed some lines, before rolling away from my field of vision.

I was unable to move my perception from the place I envisioned, as expected.

I wish she could know everything what has happened in such a short time, but my abilities do not allow such drastic changes in our reality.

I attempted to call out to her, but the shock of her jolting awake broke my concentration and my mind returned here.

However, one thing troubles me. I should not have been able to wake Alphys.

It is a theoretical impossibility. Our two worlds are currently so different and unconnected, that I shouldn't have been able to 'reach' her world without a barricade of other routes.

I should not have been able to interact from such a distance.

This only leaves one possibility.

I don't want to accept it.

I'm.. afraid to accept it.

Me, afraid of the truth. How miserable. What sort of a scientist am I, unable to acknowledge the truth I strive to uncover?

If one is afraid of reality, they must live in lies.

I am not prepared to lie to myself.

Due to the properties of this place; the inability to host all of my components, the absence of and lack of capacity to hold light, the closeness to my own world..

Due to these factors, I conclude that I am not in _any_ world. Not in any timeline.

I am trapped _between_ them.

The machine must have malfunctioned while sending me.

I let out a dry laugh. It's so hilariously obvious now that I've realized it.

I'm never getting out of this.. this void.

That's all it is, isn't it?

A barren, lonesome, void.

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> greetings~  
> 

"DOG!"

The boys are quickly learning how to speak. I realized that Sans could write, so I gave them both a small push. They're progressing much faster than I expected. They really are extremely intelligent.

I hold up a flashcard. "Y-your turn, Sans. What's th-this?"

He looks at me like I'm stupid. "a cat."

"Good!"

It turns out that Sans is older than Pap, (whose full name is Papyrus, according to his brother).

Their abilities are advanced for their age, and I was pleased to discover that Sans could already count past a hundred.

I pack the cards away.

I hope Gaster doesn't mind about me contacting his children. They were well hidden, so maybe he was experimenting on them?

That's not fair on the boys, is it?

Heh. As if I'm moral. As if being fair has mattered to me before..

The machine still refuses to work. Doctor Gaster wrote the blueprints, but I can't read it anymore.

It scares me that, apart from the vision in the dream three weeks ago, I can't remember what he looks like. When I looked through the photo albums, I couldn't identify him.

I've brought it with me in case Papyrus and Sans know.

I flip through pages of glossy paper; pictures of Snowdin, the trees..Waterfall.. the wishing room..

The two can't find him either. I know for a fact that I wouldn't have gone anywhere on my own, but.. I don't see anyone with me.

I feel an uncomfortable loss of memory, like the truth is lingering just within my grasp, but I can't quite place it.

I bury the feeling and leave the brothers to colouring.

 

Without hope to cling to, I'm feeling unnaturally unstable.

Angry, at who?

My sudden bouts of gnawing misery are easy to explain.

I am alone.

I tried to watch my sons not long ago- how long ago I can't be certain- and I'm sure that I jumped into the wrong timeline. No.. I wish I had..

They were so much bigger than when I left them.. The last time I saw them, Pappy was still a baby-bones.

These were all grown up, reading books with real words and writing puzzles.

I feel a knot form in the back of my throat.

I'm not going to see them grow up. I'm not going to have a part in their life.

They'll grow up and forget all about their Father.

My Papyrus and Sans in my timeline will die, trapped in that room, because I was too selfish to tell Alphys.

I locked it from the inside, and the only key was on my person when I stepped inside the hatch.

_Oh, my sons.._

~~ oh, my sons.. ~~

I clamp a hand over my mouth, but of course it doesn't stop the noise because there's a  _hole_ in it. My speech is greedily absorbed my the darkness. 

There's no reason for me to remain here.

Nobody needs me, anywhere. I'm not of any use stuck here, in the dark.

In this place I can only test myself.

My theories will never be found out or shared, because nobody can access them in the void.

I might as well be dead.

Who knows, maybe I am. They say that time moves quicker while dreaming.. what if, when people die, the mind drags out those last seconds into centuries?

Intangible concepts should not be thought about. They cannot be thoroughly tested, they are infallible, and they are useless here.

If I become philosophical in any way, I'll never break free.

I desperately need something outside of my head to judge the passing of time.

Each time I observe my timeline, it appears months ahead, even if I feel like only a few hours have passed.

I've gotten much better at visiting- I no longer have to visualise the place, just the person. I can manipulate my own space, and move where I want now, too.

I can't keep doing this.

Visiting my sons is only making me more depressed, but, like some grim addiction, I can't let go just yet.

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some awful sans and papyrus.  
> i guess half-asleep writing them as if they aren't the same turned out badly.~

"ARE YOU ASLEEP?"

"yeah."

Papyrus sighs and smiles. "SANS!"

I don't recognize the room. There's a battered sofa that they're sitting on. They're both leaning on each other. The television set is too muffled to hear, but it looks like Mettaton.

"whaddya want?"

"I HAD A NIGHTMARE."

Sans leans his head on Pappy's shoulder. There has always been a size difference between the two, but now it's become almost comical.

"do you wanna talk about it?"

Papyrus frowns. "I CAN'T DESCRIBE IT."

"now i definitely wanna know. try." He winks.

"WELL, ONLY IF YOU PROMISE NOT TO TELL ANYONE. I HAVE A REPUTATION AS A COOL PERSON."

"sure. i wouldn't tell anyway, bro."

"OKAY THEN.." He looks down and shuffles.

"THERE WAS THIS.. STRANGE..FACE. AND I ASKED IT WHO IT WAS AND I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND A WORD IT SAID."

Sans' eye sockets grow dark. "what face?"

I realize where they are- the boys have made a home out of the abandoned house we used as a temporary base for the transporter.

His features wrinkle in thought. "IT WAS PRETTY SCARY, BUT I CAN'T DESCRIBE IT. IT NEEDED PATCHING UP."

"i know what you're talking about. i have that nightmare too." He points to his eyes. "needed fixin' up here?"

"YES!"

"huh. can i ask you somethin'?"

"OF COURSE, BROTHER! THE GREAT PAPYRUS KNOWS LOTS OF THINGS!"

"do you..ever feel like you're being watched?"

Papyrus looks torn. Unnaturally quiet for him, he replies. "..YES."

I think I should go.

I know they're talking about me, but they don't even know who I am..!

Am I causing their upset by observing them while they sleep?

I want so bad to comfort them.

I need them to need me..

I'm here for you..

Sans leaps to his feet and casts an arch of blue bones close to my vantage point. I nearly flinch, but remember that nothing affects me, and I can't affect them.

Broken glass sprays the icy path outside.

Papyrus flops over onto the stained cushions. "SANS?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I JUST CLEANED THAT WINDOW!"

He glances around feverishly and sighs. "nothing. thought i heard something."

"BROTHER, YOU'RE SHAKING.."

"huh, i'm fine paps, really. "

He leaves after a quick goodbye and Papyrus falls asleep restlessly, worrying about Sans, no doubt.

It's my meddling that's hurting them.

I return my soul to the void.

I know how to fix this.

If the vague memory of me is causing so much distress to my sons, I have no justifiable reason to continue my covert observation.

Without them, I have no reason to stay here.

My head feels full of cotton- fuzzy and heavy with remorse.

I can identify maladaptive thoughts, but getting rid of them is a different puzzle.

If I hadn't insisted we test right away, I wouldn't be trapped.

All I can do here is hurt people.

Worst of all is that even though in my mind I only feel like I've only suffered a few months in this space between realities.. My observations claim it to be decades.

I've lost my life.

I can't live or die.

I have no free will to make that choice- in this empty world with no rules, 'life' and 'death' do not exist.

 

The amalgamates are becoming more and more disruptive each day. They can't fight me, but they've resorted to bawling, telling unfinished jokes from years past and singing old, sad, songs.. anything to make me leave.

I don't blame them for hating me. After all, I have kept them hidden for years. I'm just wondering what the sudden change in attitude is. Even the dog won't come near.

I've resorted to travelling at night to gather groceries, so only the shopkeepers see me. The store in the pantry ran out so I was forced to leave.

I'm sat at my computer writing a report.

Someone knocks on the door three times, loudly.

I freeze and my heart leaps. Nobody should be here.

"Howdy, Alphys! Are you in?"

It's Asgore.

Oh god it's Asgore..

For the past few years he's been calling and trying to visit. I'm sure he thinks I'm dead. That suits me. He won't try and get in otherwise, right..?

I'm too afraid to even see him..

Knock knock knock.

"Doctor Alphys? If you're busy, I can come back at a different time. Are you alright?

No, King Dreemurr. I'm not. I've hid indoors for the last nine years, and even before that.. I don't remember the last time I felt secure.

It baffles me that I've made it this long alone since the first mistake..

"Well, I'll get going then. I have to pick up some tea for Toriel. If you ever need anything, please drop by!"

His heavy footsteps recede.

I finish typing one last sentence.

Inside my palm are two tiny capsules I've been saving.

I hit send.


	10. Chapter 10

It seems that when I visit other timelines than the one I am from.. when conditions are exactly right.. I can materialize.

I'm not sure what the parameters for this are, but I resolve to find out soon.

As of yet I cannot touch or move within the timeline, but I can project my thoughts through it, creating a functioning ghost of myself.

I have seen a human in many of the timelines that fit the criteria needed.

There are other strange differences between my world and these ones.

The queen has left the kingdom, the king has somehow gathered six human souls.

If he was truly trying to escape he could have just absorbed one and took the rest from the surface.

My alternate sons share the same personalities, but Papyrus aspires to be aggressive, and Sans a scientist, an opposite of the boys in my world.

I have yet to encounter anything that could be me in any other timeline, but I noticed that in all there is that dreadful machine.

No matter what attitudes they adopt, I still care about them more than anything.

Perhaps the same fate happened to all versions of me, and they're also trapped between routes.

I return to the void and think for a few minutes while eons surely pass somewhere.

I am a being that transcends time and space, but is still tethered by physical pain.

I am without love or hate, but nobody remembers me.

That hurts more than what remains of my limbs or my blindness.

It would be immensely better to be trapped and remembered in any light.

The only thing keeping me here is my Determination.

Will I let myself go? After all of extremes I went to in order to survive here..

Will I allow myself to throw it away?

And if not now, when? When will this me become tired and old and beg for it to end?

How slowly, or quickly, will this loneliness become pathological? How long until the mania renders me unable to even comprehend the decision?

I don't want to deny myself of a future, but a future for me here will not hold anything.

I poke a finger through the hole in my hand and feel the ridged marrow inside.

In reality my life ended when I stepped into the machine. The sooner I completely accept that fact, the better. It will make what I'm about to do so..

so much..

...easier...

The familiar inky black snow fills every crack in my skull. I let it sink in deeper, until..

I feel myself..

                   ~~sli.. pping..~~

 

 

 

Still dark. Still..alive?

Why? Why can't I..?

I have no eyes to open. No hands to feel for them.

I am neither hot nor cold.

Blissful silence washes over me, dizzying and balmy.. until..

Nothing means no pain, but no comfort..

Is this what happens when you give up in the Void?

It won't even let me end my suffering..

I try to shout. No noise.

No mouth, no ears.

I just am. My soul is just existing without a host.

Impossible! That is completely beyond the boundaries of reali-

There is no reality for me, is there..?

It's not fair.

It's not..

~~ why won't you let me go?!   
~~

My energy quickly drains, then is restored.

Too much determination can do many other things besides eroding flesh. It stops the soul from dying.

An unending darkness is all I can look forward to.

Unsurprisingly, I decide that being unfeeling would make this ordeal far simpler. 

I focus all of my resources on observing a distant timeline..

How far away can I get from this dreadful, hollow, vicious place?

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it. the last tiny chunk.  
> sorry for the unreliable sizes~  
> thank you for reading it~

Dust.

The crisp snow is stained powder-grey.

It drifts through on a faint breeze. Tiny plumes float in the air and settle on windowsills, on ice. Abandoned puzzles.

Snowdin is deserted.

Everyone is dead.

A plate of Spaghetti is abandoned on a table just near the cliff.

Some small, heavy footsteps have stomped through it. I follow.

I squint through a freak blizzard.

I can make out the shape of a fluttering red scarf.

"HUMAN.."

That voice..

Papyrus?

The human is.. it's approaching him.

He kneels and opens his arms to the demon.

I see the glint of a knife.

No.. they'll never accept his mercy. Not after killing all those other innocent people.

_"Pappy! Run! Please!"_

~~pappy! run! please!~~

My words resonate as a distorted wail inside me.

My plea doesn't reach him.

It would never reach him.

"Papyrus! Pap-"

He can't hear me..

The human lunges forward, a sick smirk crossing its lips.

My son..

My little boy falls.

His head, still smiling, still so warm and inviting, hiding pain through that awful kindness, drops into the grey slush.

"I KNOW YOU CAN DO BETTER IF YOU TRY!"

No..

No..

~~no..!~~

I need to get there, I have to hold him, to tell him it's going to be alri-

His head disintegrates.

It mixes with the rest of his remains and soaks up the melted ice, turning a dark grey, almost black. 

This form doesn't even give me the gift of tears.

A rising, deafening sorrow swirls within my soul without release.

He's dead.

That human killed him!

They killed my Pappy..

~~_"DON'T YOU DARE MOVE ANOTHER STEP!"_ ~~

They keep walking without a care, kicking up his dust with without mercy. They must have already killed Sans. He was always first to defend his brother.

My foolish children.

If maybe i hadn't kept them isolated, they might have known the dangers that lie ahead for them..

The vision of that human's smile mixes with Papyrus' and the snow. I feel my energy running low. My Determination will give in soon because of these stupid emotions..

I retreat within myself.

I can't let that..happen..again.

It's already happened an infinite amount of times, but maybe I can prevent that many.

 

I promise to watch over you for as long as I remain trapped in the Void, my sons.

Perhaps we'll meet in person again one day.


End file.
